Evils of the Interwebs

Dear Social Networking Sites and Various Applications,

You have hooked me. You have hooked me, and I didn't even know I was being hooked. Now, unfortunately, I feel rather 'hooker'-ish, as I have so many johns, er, sites to keep track of, update, post on, and respond to a the beep of the pager, er, message notification. When did our relationship become so very, very complicated? What used to be a mutual understanding now seems like a one-sided arrangement and, believe me, E-PhoneChatFaceBlogGoogleE-list, it is time for some relationship counseling.

The last I checked, the following apply to you:
1. You exist for enjoyment.
2. Networking is encouraged.
3. Apps are for fun.

I fail, then, to understand why the I feel the vein on the left side of my temple start to spasm every time a new alert lands in my Inbox. Why are you intimidating me??

However, since I am a committed partner, I have brainstormed a (brief) list of solutions.

1. Stop stressing me out.
(Sure, I am - supposedly - in control of what content I see... how often I see it... yada yada yada. But that's like telling a fat kid that they're in control of what the put in their mouth; true, but ultimately inconvenient. I am a card-carrying member of the "microwave generation" who expects things to happen now, now, now, and who also likes to cram as much into that little microwave as possible. By having the ability to update a status from my iPhone on not one but three apps, receive e-mail notifications every time a "friend" posts/likes/unlikes/updates/pees, and sending me automated reminders when I haven't fed my pet dragon for over 90 days (I'm so sorry, Kindling... Mommy still loves you), I'm starting to feel smothered. This co-dependency thing has got to stop.)

2. Enable a 'beer goggles' feature.
(Nothing says "I'm professional, trust me with your business" like a 2:00 a.m. picture post of you throwing back your seventh shot of tequila, wearing that dress you always say makes you look like a hooker. Sure, there are different sites for professional networking vs. social networking... but when you've linked the two sites to automatically update each other...? Doesn't help. Since I want us to foster a healthy, balanced relationship, Oh Social Networking Sites and Various Applications, I am asking you to meet me half-way here; come up with some kind of feature that will block me from posting something insanely stupid and/or incriminating at oh-dark-thirty or after x-amount of adult beverages.)

3. Chill. The hell. Out.
(Vampire Wars... FarmVille... Mob Wars... Music Pet... Happy Island... Bejeweled... My Five... enough already! To each their own, yes, but you're creating some insanely scary Super Gamers who plague my Inbox with their impassioned messages of clan battles, "he-said/she-said" drama, and ramblings about their numerous hemorrhoids. Don't need it. I play Vampire Wars on occasion (OMG - Add me to your clan!!!! Assassin "(HW) Tempia" Level 64 Noble Vampire!!!!!), when I need a break from dealing with real people, or when I feel like breaking real people... not as a substitute for real life. Why would you allow such people to bond with you, E-PhoneChatFaceBlogGoogleE-list? It's like you have sprung from our bed of normalcy into their dungeon of depravity... and I just don't know what that means for us. Can our relationship recover? Should it recover? I don't know. I. Just. Don't. Know.)

All-in-all, I'd say this was a very therapeutic letter. I was able to get things off my chest and, if you were to read this, you would (of course) take all of my suggestions to heart and magically transform yourself into the Not So All-Encompassing Time Wasting Distraction from Heaven that I know you have inside of you.

I have nothing 'meaningful' to say this time. There's no point; social networking sites aren't meant to be meaningful, and those who believe otherwise are likely a little off. Yes, I'm being extremely judgemental when I say this, but I get to say it because I know the difference between a Friend Request and a real, human friend. Instead of relying on automated update messages, beeps, and other alerts, I know how to pick up the phone and send someone a good, old fashioned text message (telling them, in 50 characters or less, how much I love, appreciate, and want to see them).

OMG... I wonder how many views this is going to get...

*Poke* (your turn),

Krystal