Dear Especially Perky Baristas that Won't Leave Me Alone,
How are you this morning? OMG, like, I KNOW, right?
...
Do me (and your other terrified customers) a favor and remove the espresso I.V. from your vein for a moment. We need to have a chat - you know, one of those things you're so fond of having at O-Dark-Thirty in the morning...?
Your perkiness is at whole milk levels; something that no one should ever succumb to on a daily basis. If I were to be honest - which, let's face it, what's the point? You only remember me because of my tipping tendencies - I'd say that you'd need to knock it back to a watery, almost see-through 'skinny'.
The last I checked, the following apply to you:
1. Your job is to supply me with caffeine in the form of my choosing.
2."Starbucks" isn't a language.
3. Judging your customer's drink is frowned upon.
4. Excessive perkiness doesn't improve the taste of the beverage.
I fail, then, to understand why I - and my java-fiending friends - are having to live in fear of your multiple personality ways! One second you're Chatty Cathy, the next you're Depresso Espresso.
However, since my love affair with the coffee bean is a deep, abiding one... and your stores are the most abundant (and freaking addictive)... I have brainstormed a (brief) list of solutions.
1. Stop trying to change my freaking order.
(I know you have a sales goal to meet. I've worked retail, I've worked food service, I get it. What doesn't make sense to me is why, after I've ordered my usual (tall caramel macchiato - I LOVE YOU!!!!), you proceed to up-sell me.
"Would you like to try that with whole milk?"
"How about an apple fritter with that?"
"Ooh, would you like to add fifteen more shots?"
I'm sorry, Susie/Becky/Tiffany/Lucy/Cici/Katie/Ee-ee, but my ass would likely explode if I were to go on any of those detours. Let's stick with the order, m'kay?
2. I took German for 6 years and ASL for 3; I don't need to learn another language.
(Why must you correct me when I say "small", "medium", or "large", Oh Foamer of my Froth? YOU KNOW WHAT I'M REFERRING TO... I know you do, because you immediately - and ever so passionately - correct me with "tall", "grande", or "venti". Um, wha-? Are you going to make my drink wrong because of some (non-existent) language barrier? I'm sorry, but if the Latino gentleman making my Orange Chicken at Panda Express can understand me, I'm thinking you can, too. Unless using your branding terminology will magically take the burnt taste out of the espresso you're pulling, LET IT GO.)
3. Give me the stink-eye when I order my drink with whole milk one more time, and I will kick your breve-booty.
(Remember my first point, about not up-selling me? Well, when I DO decide to indulge a wee bit and order a grande (yes, terminology) whole milk eggnog latte with whip (ok, that's a crap-ton of indulgence, but I'MPREGNANTLEAVEMEALONE), don't you think it's a taaaaad rude to pointedly glance at my belly/hips/bat-wings? I don't need your judgement, Oh Size Two Mochachino Mistress... I don't need it one bit. What I do need is a double chocolate brownie to drown out the guilt I now feel.)
4. Greet. Take Order. Smile. Give Change. Lather, rinse, repeat.
(Close your eyes for a minute - you may need to step away from the bar for a second, I wouldn't want you to burn yourself - and take a journey with me. It's early on a Monday morning, it's raining, and the sun is refusing to make an appearance. Your store is full of what you first assume to be the walking undead... but, no, you realize... it's a crowd of overworked, under-rested adult members of society. Their slow 'shuffle-stomp-stop' pace to your counter does little to distract from the vast emptiness in their eyes. What is the proper way to greet said zomb-er, uh, customers?
A. "GOOOOOOOOD MORNING! Welcome to Starbucks!!! OMG, have you noticed this RAIN?! It's almost enough to make me kill myself, you know? Okay so, like, what can I get started for you?"
B. "Good morning, Ms./Mr. How are you? Oh, hold on, your sweater is aDORable... is that Vera Wang? No? Good, I hear she uses child labor, and my Econ. professor, who totally looks like a mixture between George Clooney and Diane Keaton, said that child labor is a result of globalization. Anyway, would you like try our new Latin American blend?"
OR...
C. "I'm sorry you have to be alive right now. What can I get you to make it better?"
I'll give you a hint: A and B are out.
All-in-all, I'd say this was a very therapeutic letter. I was able to get things off my chest and, if you were to read this, you would (of course) take all of my suggestions to heart and magically transform yourself into the Magical Mocha-slinging Sirens that I know you have inside of you.
In all sincerity, I wouldn't keep coming back if I hated the service. I appreciate your ability to whip up some of the best caffeinated beverages this side of 4-LOCO... and still have the grace and patience to deal with some of the craziest customers in the world. My love affair with the caramel macchiato has gone on for over a decade (not at all worrisome), and I owe it all to the baristas who make it juuuuuust right.
Now, if you don't lower the price on your holiday drinks, I'm going to have to cheat on you with Tully's WAY more than I have been. I may be an enthusiastic drinker o' the java, but I am one slutty customer.
Keep it frothy,
Krystal
